


Roxy Lalonde: be a responsible babysitter

by CB_Magique



Series: Troll Pets [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babysitting, Drunken Shennanigans, Egg Laying, Gen, Petstuck, pet adoption, reproduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 06:59:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CB_Magique/pseuds/CB_Magique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah, like that's going to be a thing that happens. Everything was going according to plan when all of a sudden it seemed that Roxy had lost her little sister in the forest around the Lalonde residence. Several hours later after some sisterly shennanigans and the trauma of witnessing the troll version of childbirth, the Lalondes gain a new family pet, which may or may not be named "Mewly-Beatrix".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Roxy: be a responsible babysitter

**Author's Note:**

> This story is brought to you by Written?Kitten... all of it. Every single last word.

Roxy was slumped over her keyboard in a drunken haze. Nothing unusual here. She’d gone through the entire bottle of pineapple schnapps in about two hours. Or was it three? Or one? She had no idea what time it was. She’d spent the whole night drinking and using her hacking skills to mod her computer games so that she could make some funny videos and post them online. The last achievement she remembered making was successfully turning Mario into Nyan Cat. She lifted her head and stared at her computer screen. Oh. It looked like she’d abandoned Nyan Mario and was just surfing the internet now. She checked the clock on her screen. It was past ten. It was pitch black outside and the wind was gusty, occasionally even drowning out the rush of the waterfall under the house that powered the underground hydro-electric power system. There was going to be a nasty storm tonight. Roxy moaned. She hated that.

   Her messenger system started beeping. She looked at the time again. She had the feeling that there was something she was forgetting. The messenger beeped again. She grimaced and brought her hands up to the keyboard, accidently knocking over the empty tumbler she’d been drinking her schnapps from. Her fingers brushed the side of her face that now had key-shaped grooves imprinted on it before she began typing a reply message:

 

\-- at 10:11p.m. timaeusTestified began pestering tipsyGnostalgic \--

 

TT: Sup Roxy? Have you got time to spare to indulge a bro for a while?  
TG: ogm, yeah tokes  
TG: *totes  
TT: Actually, maybe now isn’t the best time.  
TG: now way!  
TG: *no  
TG: its ottotally fin heer  
TG: *tottloy *here  
TG: *totoly  
TG: fcuk it  
TT: Just one question: how drunk are you? I mean you’ve obviously gone over the legal driving limit but how much farther?  
TG: don’t judge me!!!!!!!!!!!!! pinaple snaps are sooooooo good. *pineaple  
TG: anyway, im not taht buzy atm  
TG: thisis about you’re crush again isnt it/  
TG: *this is *?  
TT: Like I said, probably not the best time to talk about it.  
TT: I’ll just tell him to chat to me some other time. Maybe even never. That’ll save me from some seriously awkward conversations far along down the track.  
TG: OMG!!! Your on the pesterchum with him now?that’s so cute  
TG: tell him that you thunk heis adorialble like the myutant cat my mom makes in the lab  
TG: I call him muite  
TG: *Mutie * think *adoroble  
TT: No. Thanks for some really awful advice, Roxy. Your drunken shenanigans really complement my love life.  
TG: no fuckin worrys :)  
TT: There. I just told him I’m going to put my little bro in bed even though I already did that. This babysitting business is a pain sometimes. It took me an hour to get Dave to settle down after the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movie.  
TG: your parents are out? my moms out too  
TG: this ish so funnyh like a massive codinenciedne  
TG: *funny  
TG: *cooincindinc  
TG: *conincidnece  
TG: w/e  
TT: So do you have a sitter over? Who’s looking after Rose?  
TG: O SHIT! i ma! *am  
TG: ttyl drik, i haftag save me little sister  


 

\-- at 10:25p.m. tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering timaeusTestified \--

 

   Roxy stumbled to her feet and wobbled out of her bedroom. That’s what she’d forgotten in her drunken stupor. She and Rose were home alone and her little sister was her responsibility. Not that Rose was difficult to take care of. After a macaroni and cheese dinner Roxy just sat her down in front of the TV with a pirated DVD containing season one of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That always kept the little girl occupied since it had ponies and one of them was a wizard. But since it was late it was probably a good idea to put her to sleep now. Roxy giggled. Rose was probably already asleep, curled up on the couch with Twilight Sparkle tucked under her arm.

   She eventually managed to stumble down the stairs, however, Rose was nowhere to be found. Episode eleven of My Little Pony was playing on the TV but Twilight Sparkle was left abandoned on the couch. Roxy's eyes widened and the alcohol seemed to drain out of her brain. She ran around the open plan ground floor of the house, throwing the cushions off the furniture, looking under the wizard statue and checking in the fridge to make sure that Rose hadn't crawled into any of those weird spaces.

   “Aw, shit,” Roxy thought.

   She stood desolately in the middle of the kitchen, wracking her drunken brain for a solution. Being in a crisis situation did wonders for her sobriety, she often found. BANG! She jumped. Thunder boomed and the lights flickered but stayed bright. BANG! There it was again. Roxy poked her head around the wall to peer into the hallway leading down to the backyard. The long hall that branched into utility rooms and the expansive alcohol cupboard was dark but with a bright flash of lightening and a gust of wind on her cheeks she could see what was making that noise. The back door was swinging. With a grumble, she went down the hall to shut it but when she put her hand on the handle an obvious thought struck her. What if Rose had wandered out through the back door and was now running around in the storm?

   Roxy's heart dropped into her stomach. She raced back down the hall into the living room and looked around for the clock but was too drunk to bother figuring out the analogue time. The clock on the oven read: 10:59p.m. Roxy charged up the stairs to her room and started throwing clothes out of her cupboard and drawers, tipping things off the shelves and kicking away the neat piles of random stuff all over her floor, looking for her trusty rifle, which she found sitting quite ostentatiously on her bed. She then searched through the mess she'd just made for a raincoat and hurried downstairs. The oven clock had moved forward by half an hour. She cursed loudly. She barely remembered her responsibility to look after Rose, let alone if their mother had specified a time at which she would return. She could be back at any minute. Roxy grabbed a set of house keys from their hiding place in a vase and dashed out the back door.

   Roxy glanced around the yard, hoping that she would find Rose doing something dumb in plain sight, like playing with the hose. When the yard turned up empty she crossed the lawn to their ironic mausoleum, which housed the dead body of their old cat, Jaspers. Bless his soul, he was a good cat. He was Rose's first and only pet so far and the little girl had been distraught when they found him on a riverbank, having died from unexplained causes. Oh well. Sometimes Roxy thought her little sister was deliberately in denial about Jaspers' death for some weird reason that she couldn't work out. She refused accept any of her mother's mutant offerings, even though Mutie was totally adorable. The mausoleum was empty, save for the grand stone coffin with a pitiful bouquet blackened by death. Just to be sure, Roxy checked inside the coffin. Nope, no sister snuggling up to a sallow, dried-up cat corpse. Just a sallow, dried-up cat corpse in a custom made suit, all on its lonesome (probably a good thing).

   She emerged from the mausoleum and checked the yard again. Her eyes strayed to the forest that surrounded most of their property. They didn't have a fence, a fact that pissed off the local council that had rules about properties and fences and didn't like it when people didn't follow their fence rules. Most people in the area didn't follow the fence rules but the council was particularly adamant about harassing the Lalondes, saying that it was out of concern for the children. Now Roxy could see what they meant. The forest was a dangerous place during the daytime, Roxy could hardly imagine how fucked-up a place it would be now in the darkness and with the huge storm coming in. Narrowing her eyes and steeling herself, she threw her raincoat on, checked her rifle and ammo and made her way into the forest.

* * *

 

 

A flashlight. That’s what she forgot to bring. She always forgot something whenever she left the house. How did she not foresee herself needing a flashlight in the dark? Or maybe not having a flashlight was okay because her head was starting to hurt. The glow of the clouds was quite nice just the way it was. What wasn't nice was the really loud way the leaves rustled and the wind howled. The wind caught on her bright pink raincoat, pushed and shoved even with the cover of the forest around her. Large drops of water were already starting to fall from the sky. One drop landed right on Roxy's nose, which at any other time might have amused her but at the moment it was just adding to the infuriating list of things that were not cool.

   She crept through the forest with her finger ready on the trigger. There were some nasty things living the forest, including something called ‘lusus naturae’ that she kept hearing warnings about. Those crazy things apparently showed up on an island one day, populated the shit out of it and somehow made their own way to everywhere on the damn planet. How does a creature even do that? Or a bunch of creatures.

   A stick snapped underfoot. Ouch! Damn this hangover. Roxy could hardly think straight past the pounding in her head and the constant crying and moaning wasn’t helping at all. Roxy froze. Where was that sound coming from? It sounded like a child in pain and the child was pretending to be a cat. Roxy gasped. What if that was Rose? Her little sister was in trouble!

   "Rose! Rooosie! Ouch!" Roxy called, picking up her pace and tripping on some of the leaf litter. The shrill sound of her own voice was hurting her head. "I'm coming to save you!"

   "I'm okay."

   Roxy blinked and looked around for the source of her sister’s voice. "Where are you, sis?"

   "Go away! You're interrupting a delicate natural process."

   Roxy ignored those words and charged through a thicket of bushes, scratching up her legs and arms and tearing her raincoat on the thorns she didn't realise it had. On the other side she finally found Rose. She was kneeling next to another little girl who appeared to be older than her but younger than Roxy. The girl had wild hair and was dressed in clothes she'd made herself out of leaves and petals and whatever else she could find in the forest. Something wasn't right about her and the headache was getting in the way of Roxy's train of thought.

   "Rose! I was totally looking everywhere for you. It's starting to rain and everything. You need to come home before mom finds out we're gone."

   "I can't leave her here like this," Rose argued, putting a hand on the wild girl's head and petting her. That's when Roxy finally noticed the orange and yellow among the black tangles. The older girl looked closer and, yep, the skin was definitely grey but all of the mud and dirt made it look dark brown or black.

   "Rose, that is a wild troll," Roxy said, hefting her rifle and aiming. "You better stand back, you don't know what that girl is gonna do to you, especially if she's hurt."

   "Don't try to kill her!" Rose yelled, throwing herself in front of the troll. "I think she needs a vet."

   "Don't be stupid! Wild animals don't need vets." The drops were coming down at a more hurried pace.

   "At least don't leave her in the rain." Rose pushed her bottom lip out and gave Roxy the biggest, widest, shiniest eyes she could muster. Roxy blanched. This was so unfair. No one could say no when little Rose was giving them the Cutest Face Ever.

   A deafening crack of thunder burst overhead and the rain started to fall with a regular rhythm, not just in drops. Roxy sighed. "Okay, fine. We'll take this stupid troll, just hurry up before it rains too hard."

   A low growl cut through the forest, making Rose and Roxy freeze. Roxy turned and pointed her rifle in the general direction of the noise. A large, white cat with two mouths stalked its way towards them. Its big, bright green eyes seemed to glow in the dark. Rose let out a short, sharp shriek and jumped behind Roxy's legs. The wild troll just moaned pitifully. The cat approached them, swishing its tail from side to side. It was bigger than a lion. Its head was bowed low and its shoulders were poking up like little peaks – prime hunting position.

   "Stay back, you foul monster!" Roxy shouted at it, lifting her rifle to look down the sights. "I won't let you touch my cutest little sister and her wild troll pet. Don't make me use this thing on you."

   The cat hissed and crouched. It was ready to jump. Roxy pulled the trigger, letting loose a few rounds of ammunition. All of the bullets missed completely but the loud noise of the gunshots and the splintering crack of wood being shot was enough to scare away the creature. It turned and ran through the trees and undergrowth, stopping about ten feet away to look back. Roxy fired a few more warning shots. The cat slunk away. Nobody except the troll dared to move or make a sound until there was no sight of the white of that cat.

   The troll suddenly wailed; a loud, high-pitched sound that cut through the rain and the latest thunder rumble overhead. Roxy looked at the troll. It was really in pain. She crouched next to it to get a closer look. The troll didn't seem to be bleeding anywhere but its arms were wrapped around its middle, nursing a slightly swollen belly.

   "Hey, Rose, I'll make a deal," Roxy said. "You carry my gun for me and I'll carry your troll."

* * *

 

 

When they got home there was still no sign of their mother. Rose opened the door for Roxy and the older girl hefted the wild troll into the house. She stopped in the doorway and leaned against the wall to take a break. She set the troll down for a minute to kick off her muddy shoes while Rose dashed into the house.

   "Heeey! Rosie! Where're ya goin'?"

   "To the bathroom." Roxy could practically hear her rolling her eyes. "She needs to get cleaned up and we need to call the vet."

   "The vet isn't going to pick up the phone at midnight."

   "Then I'll remind you in the morning. Get her up here!"

   Roxy sighed but dragged herself back to her feet nonetheless. She picked up the troll again and carried her up the stairway to the bathroom. Rose already had the water running and was throwing in the nice bath salts that their mother usually reserved for special occasions.

   "Mom is going to flip her shit when she finds out you did that," Roxy said.

   "No she won't. You and mom are always too drunk to take note of anything around here."

   "Touché, I guess."

   "Put her in the tub."

   Roxy wobbled over to the bathtub, shifting the troll's weight but that didn't seem to make any difference. She hovered over the water, trying to set the troll down gently but ending up caving in and dumping her with a splash.

   "Roxy!"

   "What? She was heavy."

   Rose grumbled under her breath and Roxy ignored her. The older sister stood by idly, mulling over the dirty state of her clothes from carrying the troll and watching her little sister rub and scrub the wild creature, which howled and mewled in pain constantly. The water quickly turned a dark mud colour so Rose emptied the tub and filled it up with fresh water. She gave her big sister a pointed look.

   "You know, you can leave if you're getting bored."

   "Nah, this is actually plenty interesting, watching you get all nurturing on a wild animal. You're the cutest little sister ever."

   Roxy grinned and mussed Rose's hair. Rose flailed her arms to wave the hands away. Roxy pulled back and darted her hands into any opening she could find, ruffling and pulling at whatever strands of Rose's hair she could get her hands on. Rose started to duck and weave to evade the sisterly onslaught. They both began to giggle and forgot that they had a troll in the bathtub until it pierced their playful atmosphere with a loud, cat-like scream. Rose gasped and slapped Roxy's hands away roughly. The bathtub was almost filled to the brim. Rose rushed to turn off the water and started to run her fingers through the troll's hair to detangle it with her fingers. Roxy shuffled up to the side of the tub and looked at the slightly dirty water. Her eyes widened when she noticed that between the troll's legs was a steadily growing plume of olive green... something. The troll screamed again.

   "I wish I knew what was wrong with her. She doesn't seem to be injured," Rose muttered.

   "Um, Rose. Hey, Rose... I think she's, like, giving birth or something. There's a whole bunch of gross stuff coming out of her va-jay-jay."

   "What? Where?" Rose abandoned the troll's hair and scooted closer to Roxy, looking over the troll's body and noticing the cloud of green. "Is that blood?"

   "Maybe. Or maybe it's just icky pregnancy juice. I heard about that in biology class, I think."

   "Trolls don't get pregnant, Roxy. They lay eggs."

   The folds of the troll nook split slightly and something white could be seen in the gap. Roxy and Rose both squealed in horror as the reality that, yes, a troll was about to lay an egg in their bathtub, came crashing down on them. The troll yowled, thunder boomed and the rain pelted down hard on the roof. They both panicked. Rose dived into the cabinets to search for towels while Roxy darted around the bathroom cursing while she looked for a basin for hot water and some scissors or whatever it was ladies needed when they were giving birth. She paused when she remembered that trolls lay eggs and didn't need any of that stuff. What was the hot water for anyway?

   In the moment when Roxy tried to contemplate that question, she noticed that screaming had died down and was replaced with mewling and purring. She turned to the tub. The troll was sitting up in the water, staring at them curiously. She had no idea what she was doing here or why these strange-looking Lusii had taken her to their hive. It wasn't normal for them to take interest in wrigglers before they hatched. Oh well. Rose pulled her head out of the cabinets and dumped all of the towels she'd found on the floor at Roxy's feet. She also stared at the troll and then suddenly slapped both hands onto her face.

   "The egg!"

   She went to the edge of the tub and dunked her hands into the water, fishing for the egg. Roxy blinked, then suddenly realised what her sister was doing and tried to pull her away. "Rose, what if the troll attacks you for trying to steal her egg?"

   "She's not doing anything."

   Indeed, the troll wasn't doing anything. She just sat in the water and stared at them with big, curious, cat-like eyes. Rose lifted the egg out of the water. Roxy had thought that troll eggs would be colourful like everything else about anything that came out of their bodies but the egg was plain white. It was oblong-shaped and slightly smaller than a human baby. Rose took the egg over to the pile of towels and started to dry it. The water in the tub had turned into that greeny-brown snot colour that nobody likes so Roxy drained it. There were still streaks of mud and green bodily fluid along the bottom of the bathtub. Roxy considered refilling it and cleaning up the sodden troll properly but then thought against it.

   "Roxy, look."

   Roxy turned around. Rose was standing right behind her, cradling the egg wrapped up in a towel. The younger girl stroked the shell gently with a finger, gazing at it affectionately. It wasn't hard like a bird's egg. It was actually soft and leathery. She smiled at Roxy with a question shining in her eyes and damn, Roxy hated having to refuse her when she was looking like that.

   "Okay, now that everything's good and the egg is out, we should put this little girl back outside," Roxy said, jerking her thumb at the troll.

   Rose's face fell. "But we can keep the egg, right?"

   "No. You have to give it back to her." Roxy reached out to snatch the egg from Rose's arms. Rose danced out of reach. The troll mewled in pity for them as they raced around as much as they could in the little, tiled room. She wished she had laid at least one more egg so that they didn't have to fight over it. Competition between Lusii rarely ever ended well for at least one of them.

   "Rose! She belongs to the wild and so does her baby! You can't keep her against her will."

   "It's not against her will if we're taking good care of her."

   "Yes it is. I'm sorry, sis, but that's just the mysterious way that nature works." Roxy tried to grab Rose but the little girl ducked under her arms and dashed out the bathroom door. "Come back here and return that egg!"

   Roxy took off after her. The sound of their feet thudding on carpeted floors as the elder chased the younger reverberated throughout the house despite how large it was. The troll slowly climbed out of the bathtub. She still felt sore and right now a nice soft place to take a catnap sounded so good. The smaller Lusus had left the small pile of towels on the floor. The troll rolled around in the pile and rolled herself up but after a minute of lying in this (admittedly) tiny pile, she realised that it actually wasn't very comfortable. She left the dirty pile of towels where it was and slunk out of the bathroom to find a more comfortable place to sleep in this hive.

   She found an open door upstairs and crept inside. Everything in the room was white or pink with very little variation of other colours. There was one big, squarish pile messily topped with sheets, pillows and journals of some sort. The troll guessed that that might have been a sort of Lusus-pile. In one corner of the room were a number of hot pink retro gaming consoles right in front of a delectably soft-looking pile of wizard and cat plushies. The troll curled up on the soft toys, not caring if she was getting them all wet and dirty. They were just as comfortable as they looked and she fell asleep quickly, purring lightly.

   Meanwhile downstairs, Roxy lifted the tablecloth on the dining room table and Rose darted out on the other side. She elder sister ran around the table and reached out to grab her sister but missed by inches. Rose tore out of the room and into the living room. Roxy ran after her. The chase continued up and down the large living space and over the furniture while My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was still belting out friendship lessons over the entire room.

   Suddenly there was a loud screech of a careless driver screaming up the driveway. Both sisters stopped running around the house and exchanged dread-filled glances. Their mother was back. Rose bolted straight to the garage, egg cradled protectively in her arms. Roxy stood there dumbly for a moment and then realised that her little sister was getting the jump on her. She raced after her. Rose threw open the door just as their mother's Audi braked hard into the garage. She was already at the driver's side, knocking on the window and calling for her mom to hurry up and get out of the car. Roxy was by her side in seconds, doing the same.

   Both sisters stepped back as the door opened and a tall woman in a shiny cocktail dress stepped out. Actually, a more accurate term would be staggered out. She was plastered. Rose immediately started tugging on the hem of her mother's dress. She had to get in the first word before Roxy interrupted. Their mother seemed drunk enough to simply award an argument to whoever made the opening statement.

   "Mom, I found a poor, injured troll--"

   "Rose made me kidnap a wild troll and now she's trying to steal its baby!" Roxy shrieked over the top of her.

   Their mother shot Rose a stern (half-lidded and hazy) glare. "Is this- the- that true?" she slurred.

   "No! She was laying an egg and in pain so I had to take care of her," Rose argued. "She's really harmless and cute. Can we pleeeeaaasssee keep her?"

   "Yep, sure, whatever," their mother said, stumbling towards the door. "Oh, you opened teh- the door for me. I have suwe- swue- shwee- cute dot- dotters."

   "It's pronounced 'daughters'," Rose deadpanned.

   "Not in Dane-land!"

   "It's Denmark."

   "Mom! What're you saying? This is a wild troll we're talking about here," Roxy argued. "What if it goes all feral-ballistic on us one day and starts murderin' everyone?"

   "Girls!" their mother exclaimed, turning around and having to balance herself against door frame. "Can't you see that I am currently too inebretate- innagabrate- inebrigate- drunk to discuss your problems right now? Now everybody go to bed and I can deal with it in the morning."

   "But just for the record, you did say I could keep the troll," Rose reminded her.

   "Whatever."

   "But mom! It's a wild troll. What about all the murder-bitchin' and stuff?"

   "Sweetie, you have a rifle. You can shoot it dead if that happens." With that, the Lalonde mother continued to stumble her way into the house and to her own bedroom. "Now, mommy needs to go and pass out."

   Roxy crossed her arms and pouted. Rose grinned from ear to ear. As far as she was concerned, this was her win and Roxy had to concede that come morning their mother would be too hung over to change her mind. So it effectively was Rose's win.

   Roxy trudged back upstairs to her bedroom with a grumble. Messing around with a wild troll would end up being a terrible idea, she thought. She had no idea why Rose was so intent on keeping it. She got back to her room and her jaw dropped in indignation. The wild troll was all snuggled up in her wizard and kitten pile! Aw, man! Look at all that dirt and mud all over her plush toys. It might even take two wash cycles to get all of that out. Roxy stomped up to the troll, intending to wake it up with a bitchslap to the face and teach it not to mess with Roxy's stuff but stopped when she was shadowing the troll. She was fast asleep and purring contentedly. Every now and then she mewled sweetly. Her large slanted eyes and button nose were just like that of a cat. She was too cute to be mean to.

   The human girl crouched next to the troll and gently stroked her long, damp mane of thick, black hair. The troll shifted slightly and slept on. She mewled.

   "Aw. Maybe you aren't really such a bad critter," Roxy said with a soft expression. "You're like the hugest, greyest, furless-est kitty ever, just sitting there purring and mewling all adorable like. And you know what? I'm gonna give you a name. An über cute name for this über cute troll."

   Roxy sat on the floor and crossed her legs with one arm folded across her middle and the other propping up her chin as she thought about it. "I'm gonna call you... Mewly-Beatrix."

 


	2. Roxy: come up with a better name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mewly-Beatrix"? Seriously? No, it just can't end like that! This isn't over until that troll has a slightly more badass name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for this chapter, and in retrospect for this entire story.

In the morning Roxy left her troll asleep in her pile of toys and went downstairs to the kitchen. She'd slept quite late and the sun was already above the tree line. Bright sunbeams streamed into the windows. Roxy had an odd sensation, as if this wasn't normal; staring into a bright room like this so soon after waking up. Then it clicked. Usually she was hung-over when she woke up. Last night she'd been too tired out by all of the drama to bother going downstairs to the liquor cupboard (more like an industrial liquor storage room) and getting herself a drink. She just passed out on her bed from drama exhaustion. Hey, there's a neat idea. Maybe she should just surround herself with drama all the time and pass out from being frustrated instead of drunk. Then one day she might finally overcome her crippling alcoholism and be a sober Roxy all the time!

   However, just thinking about last night's drama gave her a headache and made her feel a little depressed. She decided that a drink was in order, preferably something alcoholic.

   Her mother was already in the kitchen, slumped over the bench with a cold pack on her head. On the bench on the other side of the kitchen was a blender that was half full of something half blended. She must have felt Roxy's presence or heard her footsteps as loud as a jackhammer because she groaned and said:

   "Rose? Is that you? I need a favour, sweetie."

   "Naw, it's Roxy, mom."

   "Oh... never mind, then."

   "It's cool, mom, I'm totally sober today."

   "We'll see how long that lasts," her mother grumbled. "But while you are sober, could you please blend mommy's special hangover miracle potion?"

   "I am all over that blending machine like a fuckin' blender ninja." Roxy crossed the kitchen and turned the blender on to its lowest setting. It whirred to life noisily.

   Her mother moaned. "Not so loud! Roxy!"

   "Chillax, mom. This'll take, like, thirty seconds tops.”

   It actually took about twice as long but it wasn't like her mom had enough wits about her to notice, what with the splitting headache and the general feeling of shit. Roxy poured the brown, sludgy mixture into a highball glass and put it down in front of her mother. The older woman grabbed it immediately and knocked back about two thirds of it in one go. She sighed and wiped the moustache off her top lip with the back of her hand. She already looked more alert. Roxy knew of the (decidedly gross) things that made up the mixture but had never tried it herself. It would probably taste yucky but it seemed to work for her mother. Maybe she should give it a try one day?

   "Rox, dear, I need you to tell me something."

   "Sure."

   "Shhh! Not so loud," her mother chastised.

   "Okay," Roxy whispered, giving her mother the a-ok sign.

   "That's better. Last night... did something weird happen?"

   "Define weird."

   "I think when I came home Rose was talking to me about a wild murder-bitchin' troll... or maybe it was you. Or was that at the conference party?"

   "Yeah, me 'n' Rose found some wild troll in the woods last night and then we brought her home and she gave birth in the bathtub."

   "Wait, then who did it murder?"

   "Nobody. I was just bein' kinda jerky because Rose all wanted to keep her and keep the egg but I was all like 'noooo, she’s a wild animal, you have to put her back in the forest' and I'm all pissed that my lil' sis isn't listening to my big sisterly wisdom but I changed my mind. The wild troll is totes cute, mom, I wanna keep her and call her Mewly-Beatrix."

   "No daughter of mine is going to keep a troll called Mewly-Beatrix!" her mother exclaimed. Then she quickly clutched her head and cringed. "Seriously, Rose, that is an abomination of a name. Come up with something else or the troll goes."

   "Mom!"

   "Shhh."

   "That's not fair. And besides, I’m Roxy."

   "No. I will not spend the next few decades of my life – or the rest of my life, depending on how long that troll lives – listening to little girls squealing for 'Mewly-Beatrix' to come and get her dinner.”

   "But then what am I gonna call it?"

   "Anything but that."

   It was clear that that was going to be her mother's final word on the subject. Roxy crossed her arms and huffed. She stomped back upstairs to her bedroom only to find her troll and her entire pile of wizards and kittens missing. Her head darted from left to right as she searched frantically. Her next guess was to get on the floor and check under the bed. Sure enough, there was Mewly-Beatrix - oh, wait, she can't call her Mewly-Beatrix anymore, she'll have to come up with something else - and her entire pile of stuffed toys squished under the bed. It looked like a tight squeeze but the troll seemed okay with it and was sleeping peacefully. Satisfied that her new pet hadn't suddenly disappeared, she sat back on her knees and folded her arms. The sun was shining into her room directly onto the spot where the toy pile had been and Roxy knew enough about trolls to know that they were nocturnal.

   Taking advantage of her current sobriety, Roxy took the time now to think about how she was actually going to look after a damn troll. They weren't like cats or dogs or whatever. Like, what did they even eat? And did they need that slime stuff that Roxy sometimes saw advertised in town or was that optional? It must have been optional, otherwise how did trolls survive in the wild? 

   A little blinking light on her laptop showed that it was still on standby, having not been shut down last night. She sat down at her desk and woke up her machine. She was still logged on to Pesterchum. Dirk was gone but there were two other handles lit up on the sidebar. Roxy smiled. Those two were definitely the type of people who would know anything about troll pets, especially since one of them owned a troll themselves.

 

\-- at 9:56a.m. tipsyGnostalgic began pestering golgothasTerror \--

 

TG: heeeyyy!!   
TG: jake   
TG: jake   
TG: jakey!!!   
GT: Good evening my old chum.   
GT: Or should i say good morning since I daresay it is probably dawning at your present location.   
TG: JAAAAAKE!!!   
GT: I assure you that i am certainly present at this moment. Gosh whats gotten you so excitable today?   
TG: ok, you gotta check this out   
TG: last night me n rose found this weird wild troll in the woods and we took her home   
TG: so now we've all like adopted her and shit   
GT: Golly that sure does sound like a rather sensational development. Ive heard raising a pet can be both a struggle and a reward simultaneously. Good for you.   
TG: mom said yes n everything   
TG: so we're p much keepin her   
TG: problem is idk much bout keepin troll pets like what're they meant to eat   
GT: Well I cant say if ill be much help in that regard since im not a troll owner myself. Sorry i cant be of more help.   
TG: i hit you up cuz i thought you were doin some trolly stuff atm in some random island somewhere   
GT: I believe you are speaking of my successful application to follow a university sponsored paleontological dig. Ah yes this rather prestigious academic opportunity has been quite the adventure and uncovered many unexpected discoveries.   
GT: Did you know that sopor slime grows on trees?   
TG: gtfo, no way!   
TG: i thought that shit was fully processed from messy chemicals and biomedicine stuff   
TG: in labs n w/e   
GT: Its true.   
GT: And there seems to be evidence in the plant fossils weve found that its not a native species to our site. Which is odd because this site was chosen specifically because the professors thought it may have been the origin of many ancient species including trolls.   
TG: so if theres some wild troll that means theres a sopor slime tree round here???   
GT: That seems logical. I think they can survive without it but im not sure for how long.   
GT: Look im really not the expert. You should ask jane about meenah. That should yield more accurate information.   
GT: Although that isnt to say that catching up with you hasnt been a blast. Im honestly glad to hear about your endeavours.   
TG: thats so cool. imma go n find that sopor slime tree one day.   
GT: You should tell your local council about it or at least the rangers in your area. You live in a park right?   
GT: Those plants are rather noxious weeds if left unchecked.   
TG: ill keep it in mind   
GT: Actually i cant help noticing that you seem quite sober at this current time. This is very unusual for you.   
TG: there was all this drama n imma tyl after chattin up janey   
GT: Well cheerio then.   
TG: ;)   


 

\-- at 10:15a.m. tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering golgothasTerror --

 -- 

\-- at 10:15a.m. tipsyGnostalgic began pestering gutsyGumshoe --

 

TG: hey jane   
TG: janey   
TG: guess what   
GG: What?   
TG: i got a troll   
GG: A troll?   
TG: yep ;)   
TG: the lalondes have a new pet now n shes p sweet   
TG: shes curled up in the wizard kitty plushies and bein all adorable atm   
GG: That's great news, Roxy. But how do you know it's a girl?   
TG: i dunno   
TG: i just think shes a girl   
TG: she laid an egg   
GG: Male trolls lay eggs too, you know.   
TG: for serious???   
TG: holy shit   
TG: anyway i just got some p gut feelings that shes a girl   
GG: Fair enough, I suppose.   
TG: ok so now that we both got ourselves a sweet troll pet each we should like have a party and introduce em to each other   
GG: I'm not sure that'll be such a sweet idea.   
GG: Meenah can be very... well...   
GG: Mean.   
GG: Especially to other trolls. I think it must be a fuschia-blood thing.   
TG: you just need to get her out of the house more   
TG: speakin of which...   
TG: how do you look after meenah?   
GG: Specifically or generally?   
GG: Do you want to know what I have to do to look after Meenah or what you need to look after a troll?   
TG: #2 plz   
GG: It's quite easy. They eat pretty much anything so long as it isn't bad. Just think of what a human needs to eat and how much and that's what a troll needs too, with the food pyramid rearranged a bit.   
GG: Then you need to get them clothes and make sure they have somewhere to sleep in sopor slime. Lots of exercise is a must.   
GG: The hardest part is making sure they get enough attention. Meenah demands hours of our time and sometimes it's even hard to get a full night's sleep with her being so pushy and needy.   
TG: damn .____.   
TG: that sounds harder than i thought   
GG: Go through with it! Even if it sounds hard its worth it. As nasty as she can be, Meenah is still a good friend when it counts.   
GG: To be honest, the hardest part about keeping Meenah is grooming her hair. Hoo hoo hoo!   
GG: Don't ever tell her I said that.   
TG: XD   
TG: your secret is safe with me   
TG: that party idea is still up for consideration tho   
GG: I'll certainly think about it since it doesn't sound like you're giving me much choice.   
TG: nope ;)   
TG: troll parties are an essential facet of everyday life   
TG: because i decided that just now :P   
GG: Ok, but don't get too drunk at our little shindig.   
TG: le GASP!   
TG: janey how can have so little faith in me   
TG: i'll have you know that im stone cold sober right now and have been since late last night   
GG: I can tell :B   
TG: ;P   
GG: If your mom's sober too you should get onto stocking up on troll supplies. Do it before she starts drinking again.   
TG: no probs bff im all over this troll care stuff   
TG: i am a troll care wizard or at least im gonna be   
TG: look out peeps, troll care wizard in training over here!!   
GG: Good luck, Roxy.   
GG: WAIT!   
TG: :?   
GG: I can't believe I almost forgot. Before you go, what did you name her?   
TG: nothin yet   
TG: i wanted to call her mewly-beatrix but mom was all like "no"   
GG: That's probably for the best.   
TG: there is nothing wrong with bein called mewly-beatrix!   
GG: Hmm... that's debatable.   
GG: Why 'meuly'?   
GG: Oops! *Mewly.   
TG: lol usually im the one makin dumb spelling mistakes   
GG: Hoo hoo!   
TG: well rose n me found her in the woods and she keeps making weird cat noises like meulin n meowin n stuff.   
TG: *mewlin   
GG: You mean she's wild?   
TG: p much   
GG: Then you should call AWA! Wild trolls can be really dangerous!   
TG: chillax jane   
TG: i mean yeah i was bitchin about that sorta thing last night too but this troll is p chilled out   
TG: she just popped out her little egg n went to sleep - didn't hurt anyone for anything   
GG: I don't know about this. Animals behave differently in different situations, especially when they're vulnerable.   
GG: Promise me you'll at least talk to the authorities about her.   
GG: And get a vet to look at her too.   
TG: ok   
TG: ill do it for my bff   
GG: Thank you :B   
TG: anyway   
TG: its almost 11 so my mom is probably recovering from the hangover so id better get to her before she gets to the alcohol store   
GG: Feel free to text me if you want any help or advice.   
TG: thanks jane   


 

\-- at 10:52a.m. tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe \--

 

   Roxy logged off the chat client and bent down to check the troll under her bed. She was still asleep and purring contentedly. Roxy giggled as she thought back to the conversation she'd just had with Jane. Meulin. And when she was sober too! Actually, that didn't sound bad and replacing the W with a U looked slightly more badass than simply dropping the G. Because there are no shitty trolls living at the Lalonde place; this is a palace of badassery.

   Remembering her mission, Roxy leapt to her feet and bolted out of the room and down the stairs, shouting: "Mom! We've gotta go out! There's stuff we have to do!"


End file.
